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Saturday, May 14, 2005

Michael Moore's Freedom Fighters 

The New York Times has finally drawn the same conclusion I have about Michael Moore's Iraqi "freedom fighters": they're a bunch of bloodthirsty, nihilistic losers with no plan for Iraq's future.

Perhaps I fear Moqtada al Sadr as much as I do because he's enunciating a political philosophy, unlike the majority of insurgent leaders. His goal is a Shiite clerical government. This clear, political goal has been seen to a lesser extent from the Baathists, who have been passing out pamphlets in insurgent-controlled areas and tooting the horn of the "New Baath Party." Unlike al Sadr, the Baath can never hope to win the support of a simple majority in Iraq.

Last dance in Daytona 

It's hard to believe that Daytona is almost a week behind me. Moving out, commissioning, the wedding, and graduation were almost a blur, but I guess that was an appropriate way to end my last and most stressful semester at Riddle.

The Air Force hires the biggest numbskulls to move our stuff. My movers, Tweedle-dumb and Tweedle-dumber, had everything done for them already, as I had packed my boxes ahead of time instead of letting them do it. Still, they flipped my boxes on their sides, hoisted them on a dolly, and dropped them down the staircase, one stair at a time. I shudder to think of how they were thrown on the truck. I expect to find everything in pieces the size of a quarter when I arrive in Albuquerque.

Commissioning went well, except for the errorneous program referenced in my last post. My commissioning officer stumbled through the oath, and I hope that's not a bad omen.

The wedding ceremony was beautiful, and I wish the best to the bride and groom in spite of the hardships just over the horizon. The reception got quite awkward for me when the bride asked me to dance, seeing as how I had never really danced before. Still, she did a good job teaching me, and I didn't feel too embarassed. A few of the other lovely ladies in attendance tried to reinforce her lesson, and I guess that went okay--I only stepped on three toes. There was also the ceremonial flinging of the garter, to determine the next eligible bachelor to get hitched. Needless to say, I avoided it like the plague.

I thought I could go through the graduation ceremony without getting teary-eyed. That ended when I saw Mary the Boss-lady after the program had concluded. She had a little gift for me, which unexpectedly turned out to be a Lee Ann Womack CD. At first I didn't understand the reasoning behind it. Then I opened her card and found out that she had given the same gift to her three sons when they had graduated. She wanted me to pay attention to the popular maudlin song "I Hope You Dance," and I had to say that I got a little teary-eyed. Complain as I may about Riddle, it is the great people who made that school work, and I've made some great friends there.

My last evening in Daytona ended in much the same way it had been spent during my first arrival there in August 2001: watching "Family Guy" in the hotel room and having dinner with my parents at Baracles' restaurant. My waltz through Daytona had ended largely where it started, and the circle was closed.

This blog will be going through some major changes in the near future as I adapt to the new life I am carving out. "Impossible Scissors" will still offer the same in-your-face commentary on current events that it has in the past, even if I don't post as frequently as I used to. I have also started a new blog, "Chair Force Engineer," to chronicle my daily adventures.

But I will always be the same blogger and the same person I have always been. I will never lose my sense of wonder. I will always feel small when I stand behind the ocean. I will never take a single breath for granted. As I begin the new chapter in my life, I will grab life by the balls and squeeze until it screams.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

What I meant to say 

Sometimes we rely on others to convey our stories and our feelings to the world. When we put our words into the hands of intermediaries, we trust them to do so in a competent fashion. Unfortunately, I could not count on this for the commissioning program. The poem I tried to reproduce was abruptly cut off, making me look like a doofus. Herein, I reproduce the poem in its entirety, for all those with the intellectual curiousity to read this blog.

There was once a land called Free, a plum surrounded by
briars of Less. The people there were, in olden times, proud
of the Manna of Free—a curious essence known as Will.

Will, it seems, was cherished above all else in the land of
Free, as it was the armor that protected Free from the briars
of Less. Will, as the story goes, was held in the State of
Mind in the land of Free. The true patriots of Free knew if
the State of Mind should ever falter, the Will would be Lost
and the briars of Less would engulf them all—

And so it was years and years ago.

General Tommy R. Franks, The Parable of Armageddon

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Italian Communists are Lying Liars 

You can't cheat the satellite, Giuliana Sgrena.

I've held off on this one one for a while now, but I will say this: it's extremely unfortunate that an intel guy got killed, but the soldiers had no other choice when some idiot tries blowing through a checkpoint. In light of Sgrena's reaction to this mess, it's too bad the soldiers didn't bust a cap in her ass, too. In hindsight, the Italians should have let the insurgents lop her head off instead of paying her ransom.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Missileer Make-Work Program, or 21st Century Warfare? 

The People's Kort sends me this article by Fred Kaplan of Slate magazine about the future of America's ballistic missile force. I'll warn you that it's highly sarcastic. It's also a convincing piece of evidence that pundits should be banned from offering commentary on highly-technical issues.

With America's nuclear stockpile undergoing serious reductions (thanks in no small part to George W. Bush, who is viewed by the left as the person most likely to "nuke the whales,") there are a lot of missiles going to pasture, unless a new use can be found. Enter programs like the Common Aero Vehicle, flexible microsatellite launchers, and ballistic bunker busters. Air Force visionaries like Gen. Lance Lord are now seriously talking about conventional uses for long-range missiles. Although ICBM's are too pricey to use in place of conventional delivery systems, cost becomes no object when the missiles have already been built and stockpiled.

Kaplan makes the fool's assumption that the personnel involved with ICBM operations should decrease linearly (instead of the 10% we've seen lately) with reductions in the number of missiles and warheads. The truth is that, dependent on their specialties, some personnel numbrs must stay fairly constant in spite of how many missiles are on the alert. This is why the yearly cost of the Space Shuttle remains fairly constant, no matter how many times the orbiter flies (or the numer of orbiters in NASA's inventaory, for that matter.)

Rather than some insane and militaristic "make work" program, the conventional use of ICBMs is another intellectually-bold attempt to transform the armed forces and add dramatic new capabilities. The ability to launch one-off surgical strikes from the US mainland, akin to Bill Clinton's beloved Tomahawk SLCM salvos after each offensive act by Osama bin Laden or the Iraqis, is a powerful political tool that no longer has to rely on basing forces on foreign soil. Being able to surprise the enemy with an attack in minutes, and the enemy's knowledge that we are able to do so, is an incredible military tool to strike both real and psychological damage. Shock and awe, indeed.

If the goal is merely to keep missileers employed, there are plenty of alternate uses for the unused missiles. Orbital Sciences has demonstrated, with its Taurus and Minotaur launchers, that solid fuel ICBM's can be used for launching satellites. Yet the number of missiles on hand is far greater than the desire to launch small payloads around the earth. Still, it demonstrates that the Chinese and Russians don't get too concerned when they spot Minuteman and Peacekeeper rockets lighting up.

Plenty of technology evelopment remains before ICBM's can be used conventionally. The Common Aero Vehicle will need to be designed for hypersonic reentry and weapons ejection, two tall tasks. The ballistic bunker buster will reach apogee, then pitch over and fire its upper stage to give its penetrating warhead enough kinetic energy to tunnel underground. The warhead will need extensive thermal protection and hardening. Often neglected by military planners is the effect of atmospheric drag, which negates much of the potential energy gained with releasing weapons from space.

It will be many years until we see conventionally-armed ICBM's, but the groundwork must be laid now so that military commanders can make procurement decisions in the near future. It is clear that these weapons will represent awesome new capabilities to wield against current foes, rather than serving as a make-work program that can only be used against cold war adversaries.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Animation Domination 

FOX's "Animation Domination" debuted last night, to the joy of teenage and twentysomething men everywhere. The Simpsons had two episodes, Family Guy returned with the first new episode since February 2002, and American Dad kicked off its season.

The funniest show of the evening, surprisingly, was The Simpsons. The first episode was #350. It was really lame and could not be saved with a guest appearance by Ray Romano. But the next episode totally made up for the previous one's weakness. Episode #1617, "The Heartbroke Kid," tackled the issue of childhood obesity. It ranks with the Hefner episode and the Superbowl Halftime one as the funniest of the season. The comic timing and sense of irony was back. So was Albert "Hank Scorpio" Brooks, this time playing a fat camp counselor.

Family Guy was funny but did not live up to the hype. I liked the bit at the beginning about all of the shows that had been cancelled during the time that Family Guy was off FOX. Yet I'm disturbed that Seth MacFarlane, the show's liberal creator, is injecting too much of his politics into the show. Brian the Dog was the cartoon version of Seth. While Brian's liberalism was tactfully hinted at in seasons 1-3, Brian is now a card-carrying hippie. He reads Michael Moore and drives a hybrid car with a Dennis Kucinich sticker on it. Peter Griffin admits that there was no reason to go to war with Iraq, but convinced Congress otherwise by saying they were gay if they didn't approve. I thought that Seth was going to reserve his political humor for "American Dad" and let Family Guy make jokes about pop culture. I hope I'm wrong about the politicization of "Family Guy," as I am proud to call myself a "South Park Republican."

"American Dad" was surprisingly good. It had jokes about emasculation, Alan Greenspan's dog, and bum fights. Although Stan Smith is Seth MacFarlane's right-wing "American Idiot," I still find a lot funny about the show, even if it isn't fresh like Family Guy was back in 1999.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Say Cheese 

Friday was my last appearance as the public affairs man at this detachment. I had a pizza party for my awesome staff, who had done an excellent job all semester making me look good in front of my bosses and recording the history we were making.

All semester long I had them taking pictures. As irritating as it may have been for the bystanders and the subjects of the photos, I'm very proud that we have so many pictures of what went on. The most irritating thing, in my mind, was all of the amazing an random sights that took place when I didn't have a camera handy. A few years down the line, the people in them will look back on the pictures we did take and say "Good times..."

At least I got to be in one of the final pictures, standing with the squadron I am so proud of. Maybe someday I'll look on this trying but enriching experience with great fondness, and I'll hang that picture on my wall.

I'm writing you to
catch you up on places I've been
You held this letter
probably got excited, but there's nothing else inside it
didn't have a camera by my side this time
hoping I would see the world with both my eyes
maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm
in the mood to lose my way with words

Today skies are painted colors of a cowboy's cliche'
And strange how clouds that look like mountains in the sky
are next to mountains anyway
Didn't have a camera by my side this time
Hoping I would see the world with both my eyes
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm
in the mood to lose my way
but let me say
You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
just no more 3x5's

Guess you had to be there
Guess you had to be with me
Today I finally overcame
tryin' to fit the world inside a picture frame
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to
lose my way but let me say
You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
no more 3x5's
--John Mayer, 3 x 5

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